God, I am so ready to get out of here. I need some kind of change happening in my life. Hopefully, I'll get into ASU, that would be a welcome change.
I'm just really lonely right now. It's hard for me to put into words just how fucking alone I feel right now. I really channel all of my energy into the gym right now to try to make something good from the bad negative energy swirling around me. I mean literally it's so difficult to have like your work place and co-workers as your only real source of support in decisions you make in your life. This is why I'm going to miss Megan to death when she moves upstate later this month, cuz she was really the only person I know who "gets" me. I value her friendship so much, but I know that even though she's tried to get me to be more social and try and meet people that her scene is just not for me and I couldn't really meet anyone there of any substance or that I could connect to on anything more than 'a cool person I know' level.
It's just hard .. it is. It's like I try so hard to improve on myself and my life in general and it's hard to do that when others really put you down for it for whatever their personal reasons may be. And even my family, when they mena well, they just don't connect to me and its just hard to try and stay positive when reinforcement consists of "don't fuck this up" "you've wasted 2 years" or "do you really think you should still go to the gym, i think you're fat enough now" -- it's very lame I'm just ready for something new.
Plus, you know, I haven't been with anyone in such a long time, not since Elizabeth in like '98. That's a long time. A long long long time to not have anyone you really connect to and can be with and hold or whatever just to feel like there may be something there.
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I love that girl. That's what makes it so hard. Over time, I let myself open up to her and it's hard because I haven't talked to her now in such a while that I honestly am sad and upset over it. I just .. I need to know what's going on there. I want to know because I do care about her dearly and it hurts me so much to feel like I really do not know where I stand with her right now. It's just difficult and something has to change I don't know. Maybe I'm at fault but I just feel like I need something more from her or at least I don't know -- I blame this whole negativity swirling around me for making me so full of self doubt and
questioning and I just need to know were things are going. I do, I really do, even if it means an ending, but hopefully not.
And this whole thing reads sadly, but it's a huge help to me, because I have no one to talk these things through with. No one. If I don't get it out it just festers and gnaws at my soul and writing it is cathartic but its hard when I feel so alone and unhappy right now. I really do, it's literally killing me. I put up a good front but in the end I just shut down when I go to sleep and each day I like hope for somethign to change, but it never does it seems becaus eof the waiting for something to happen despite being proactive in the past years - having it all out of hand makes me feel completely impotent.
And I sigh again and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and it's just time slipping me by.
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but I've never seen wheat in a pile :)
did you like it?
Nice one, but what about der weg ? anywya, congrats from me.
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