Honestly, I haven't been updating this log because most of the things I've put in here it's hurt me to look at or read later and all for the same reasons.
I have a major copnflict right now. Basically, Chapman is dropping this ultimatum in my lap like well if you don't let us know what you're planning like right away, we're gonna revoke your admission. I think what irks me about this is how I can call them and probably get them to give me more time, but really it's like and that time is for what? I had already decided not to go there once and I'm basically right where I was then now, waiting on ASU to let me in.
I'm sick of having my future in the laps of other people. It fucking pisses me off beyond belief. It lets me know how small I am in the scheme of things. I'm sick of hurting my sens eof self-worth like this and I know my family wants me to do well and it pisses me off that I feel like a fuckup for whatever intangible variables.
More than that, its times like these when I really feel alone.
I'm not going to make any more paeans to the girl anymore. I could really really use a talk with her but it seems like nothing will ever come from it now. I'll just assume the worst now, cuz I feel pretty crushed by the whole thing. I do.
That's life for you, anyway. For all the good, there's the bad and sad. I want to be someone who in all likelihood has moved on to someone else or didn't invest anywhere the amount of self into the enterprise as me. I blame my need to want to trust someone on that level getting a ahold of me and I opened up too much maybe, so now I feel just really empty about it. It sucks, it really does.
Maybe there's reasons and maybe I'm just assuming the worst when it isn't.
But as time goes by, someone has to be realistic or cynical and think maybe I just was a sort of inconsequential diversion that made someone feel good about themselves sometimes but was easily forgotten the rest til something better came along.
That sounds extremely harsh, especially as a seeming description of myself, no doubt a consequence of how really sad I feel right now.
I don't know. Honestly, I wish I could find someone and click with them on that kind of level but just have it be a real balance. It hurts to put yourself out there over and over and over and feel like someone has to walk on eggshells or keep things from you, especially when you started off as close friends.
I can't really write anymore about this now.
God, I am so ready to get out of here. I need some kind of change happening in my life. Hopefully, I'll get into ASU, that would be a welcome change.
I'm just really lonely right now. It's hard for me to put into words just how fucking alone I feel right now. I really channel all of my energy into the gym right now to try to make something good from the bad negative energy swirling around me. I mean literally it's so difficult to have like your work place and co-workers as your only real source of support in decisions you make in your life. This is why I'm going to miss Megan to death when she moves upstate later this month, cuz she was really the only person I know who "gets" me. I value her friendship so much, but I know that even though she's tried to get me to be more social and try and meet people that her scene is just not for me and I couldn't really meet anyone there of any substance or that I could connect to on anything more than 'a cool person I know' level.
It's just hard .. it is. It's like I try so hard to improve on myself and my life in general and it's hard to do that when others really put you down for it for whatever their personal reasons may be. And even my family, when they mena well, they just don't connect to me and its just hard to try and stay positive when reinforcement consists of "don't fuck this up" "you've wasted 2 years" or "do you really think you should still go to the gym, i think you're fat enough now" -- it's very lame I'm just ready for something new.
Plus, you know, I haven't been with anyone in such a long time, not since Elizabeth in like '98. That's a long time. A long long long time to not have anyone you really connect to and can be with and hold or whatever just to feel like there may be something there.
And then there's Melissa ...
I love that girl. That's what makes it so hard. Over time, I let myself open up to her and it's hard because I haven't talked to her now in such a while that I honestly am sad and upset over it. I just .. I need to know what's going on there. I want to know because I do care about her dearly and it hurts me so much to feel like I really do not know where I stand with her right now. It's just difficult and something has to change I don't know. Maybe I'm at fault but I just feel like I need something more from her or at least I don't know -- I blame this whole negativity swirling around me for making me so full of self doubt and
questioning and I just need to know were things are going. I do, I really do, even if it means an ending, but hopefully not.
And this whole thing reads sadly, but it's a huge help to me, because I have no one to talk these things through with. No one. If I don't get it out it just festers and gnaws at my soul and writing it is cathartic but its hard when I feel so alone and unhappy right now. I really do, it's literally killing me. I put up a good front but in the end I just shut down when I go to sleep and each day I like hope for somethign to change, but it never does it seems becaus eof the waiting for something to happen despite being proactive in the past years - having it all out of hand makes me feel completely impotent.
And I sigh again and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and it's just time slipping me by.
Just got home. I'm so tired and I reek of other's cigarette smoke, Bleah.
If there's any typos it's because I'm basically nodding off writing this, so I apologize in advance.
Still I had fun tonight. Spent the entire day at Megan's and went out for dinner with Vanessa at Pick Up Stix and the three of us had a nice communal meal. Vanessa is a cool kid too. We were going to go to a party at her friend Sugar's house, but that whole thing fell through and we just kicked at her house with Vanessa, her friend Dennis' friend Lee and his stoner jock buddies, her brother Micheal and his boyfriend Micheal and their friend M.C., who actually was really cute, she's the type of girl I would go for, she looked like Majandra Delfino with a bit of a rounder figure, very cute girl, seemed nice but wasn't very talkative. My actual thinking was that she goes by her initials because her real first name is Maria, and that was Majandra's name on Roswell, hence trying to dispell the association. But yeah, anyway, the situation just seemed kind of awkward though since after a bit the kids broke out the vodka and drugs and it turned into a really stupid situation and I didn't feel all that comfortable just kicking it since I don't smoke or do drugs -- I could've gotten some Tecate but everyone was just downing vodka and it was just kind of like, eh I don't really want to drink and party with these kids who are all 2 to 4 years younger than me really, I outgrew this scene like 5 or 6 years ago.
What can I say - I'm just kind of a square at this point.
Plus the whole party being a bust thing just kind of killed it, I would've been cool with trying to kick it with Vanessa or Megan and getting to know that girl M.C., but just I don't know, I don't care much for this SoCal house parties scene. If they'd gone to the Pitcherhouse or Sharkey's or the Lighthouse I would've been down with that, since I could've gotten a beer and a slice of pizza and done a few shots and if I felt like it, gotten fucked up there. Good times. But this was like lame and I didn't care for any of the fratboy stoner Aryan nation poster boys Lee brought with him.
But yeah, even though I guess people wnat me to hang with them now and go to parties now, I still feel kind of ill at ease about it since I haven't been "party" social for like a few years now and its hard for me to get my body image in place like yeah guess what you are kind of attractive now and people do wnat to get to know you because you might look interesting/worth talking to/getting to know/etc.
I suppose that all comes in yime, I gotta take babysteps to reacclimate socially. or whatever. Me and Megan will probably hang out tomorrow, so I'll likely hear what I missed out on tonight tomorrow or whatever.
But I think the real eye opening thing here was even though Megan was kind of like oh get to know this chcik you'll probably like her and I admit she was attractive and my type basically -- I don't know, I didn't really feel comfortable with getting to know someone just to try and get the hook-up on. She's got some idea of how I've been really lonely the past few years and that that really was a big factor in motivating the weight loss, which is true -- My weight loss is connecte directly to my real need to find someone to connect to. We had a conversation today where it was like, "well Vic, yiu know, do you really want to end up with a girl who only wants you because you're good looking or because yuou're gonna make money once you become a lawyer etc." and it's like, no I don't. But I want to be someone & its very hard for me, because if I did meet someone now, I'd be bound tot hinkl, well if I looked like I did 6 months ago they wouldnt be giving me the time of day, which is kind of a bitter pill to swallow.
It's like how I really really miss Melissa, and it's hard for me to now picm a phone to try and call her cuz ive tried so many times and gotten no one on the other end. I miss her so much, but I have to wonder now what's going in her life and maybe if she's found something or had something going on, maybe its better I don't know and she can be happy kind of an ersatz version of blissful ignorance.
But it's hard man, it is. I want to see her and hold her and god, you know, I feel stupid even writing about it, but I felt the need to vent about it. So I have. Maybe now I can deal with it and try and figure out where things are in my head and heart and try to move on. Hangups -- all they do is fuck with your constitution and mental state.
I guess that's all, I guess I've had a good weekend thus far, but I want to move in some direction emoptionally because I'm just rotting just idling here in place wondering where I stand. I need something. I need anything.I don't know.
I need to sleep now I think. Clear my head. Wake up, be another day.