I have a major copnflict right now. Basically, Chapman is dropping this ultimatum in my lap like well if you don't let us know what you're planning like right away, we're gonna revoke your admission. I think what irks me about this is how I can call them and probably get them to give me more time, but really it's like and that time is for what? I had already decided not to go there once and I'm basically right where I was then now, waiting on ASU to let me in.

I'm sick of having my future in the laps of other people. It fucking pisses me off beyond belief. It lets me know how small I am in the scheme of things. I'm sick of hurting my sens eof self-worth like this and I know my family wants me to do well and it pisses me off that I feel like a fuckup for whatever intangible variables.

More than that, its times like these when I really feel alone.

I'm not going to make any more paeans to the girl anymore. I could really really use a talk with her but it seems like nothing will ever come from it now. I'll just assume the worst now, cuz I feel pretty crushed by the whole thing. I do.

That's life for you, anyway. For all the good, there's the bad and sad. I want to be someone who in all likelihood has moved on to someone else or didn't invest anywhere the amount of self into the enterprise as me. I blame my need to want to trust someone on that level getting a ahold of me and I opened up too much maybe, so now I feel just really empty about it. It sucks, it really does.

Maybe there's reasons and maybe I'm just assuming the worst when it isn't.

But as time goes by, someone has to be realistic or cynical and think maybe I just was a sort of inconsequential diversion that made someone feel good about themselves sometimes but was easily forgotten the rest til something better came along.

That sounds extremely harsh, especially as a seeming description of myself, no doubt a consequence of how really sad I feel right now.

I don't know. Honestly, I wish I could find someone and click with them on that kind of level but just have it be a real balance. It hurts to put yourself out there over and over and over and feel like someone has to walk on eggshells or keep things from you, especially when you started off as close friends.

I can't really write anymore about this now.

I'm just really lonely right now. It's hard for me to put into words just how fucking alone I feel right now. I really channel all of my energy into the gym right now to try to make something good from the bad negative energy swirling around me. I mean literally it's so difficult to have like your work place and co-workers as your only real source of support in decisions you make in your life. This is why I'm going to miss Megan to death when she moves upstate later this month, cuz she was really the only person I know who "gets" me. I value her friendship so much, but I know that even though she's tried to get me to be more social and try and meet people that her scene is just not for me and I couldn't really meet anyone there of any substance or that I could connect to on anything more than 'a cool person I know' level.

It's just hard .. it is. It's like I try so hard to improve on myself and my life in general and it's hard to do that when others really put you down for it for whatever their personal reasons may be. And even my family, when they mena well, they just don't connect to me and its just hard to try and stay positive when reinforcement consists of "don't fuck this up" "you've wasted 2 years" or "do you really think you should still go to the gym, i think you're fat enough now" -- it's very lame I'm just ready for something new.

Plus, you know, I haven't been with anyone in such a long time, not since Elizabeth in like '98. That's a long time. A long long long time to not have anyone you really connect to and can be with and hold or whatever just to feel like there may be something there.

And then there's Melissa ...

I love that girl. That's what makes it so hard. Over time, I let myself open up to her and it's hard because I haven't talked to her now in such a while that I honestly am sad and upset over it. I just .. I need to know what's going on there. I want to know because I do care about her dearly and it hurts me so much to feel like I really do not know where I stand with her right now. It's just difficult and something has to change I don't know. Maybe I'm at fault but I just feel like I need something more from her or at least I don't know -- I blame this whole negativity swirling around me for making me so full of self doubt and
questioning and I just need to know were things are going. I do, I really do, even if it means an ending, but hopefully not.

And this whole thing reads sadly, but it's a huge help to me, because I have no one to talk these things through with. No one. If I don't get it out it just festers and gnaws at my soul and writing it is cathartic but its hard when I feel so alone and unhappy right now. I really do, it's literally killing me. I put up a good front but in the end I just shut down when I go to sleep and each day I like hope for somethign to change, but it never does it seems becaus eof the waiting for something to happen despite being proactive in the past years - having it all out of hand makes me feel completely impotent.

And I sigh again and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and it's just time slipping me by.

If there's any typos it's because I'm basically nodding off writing this, so I apologize in advance.

Still I had fun tonight. Spent the entire day at Megan's and went out for dinner with Vanessa at Pick Up Stix and the three of us had a nice communal meal. Vanessa is a cool kid too. We were going to go to a party at her friend Sugar's house, but that whole thing fell through and we just kicked at her house with Vanessa, her friend Dennis' friend Lee and his stoner jock buddies, her brother Micheal and his boyfriend Micheal and their friend M.C., who actually was really cute, she's the type of girl I would go for, she looked like Majandra Delfino with a bit of a rounder figure, very cute girl, seemed nice but wasn't very talkative. My actual thinking was that she goes by her initials because her real first name is Maria, and that was Majandra's name on Roswell, hence trying to dispell the association. But yeah, anyway, the situation just seemed kind of awkward though since after a bit the kids broke out the vodka and drugs and it turned into a really stupid situation and I didn't feel all that comfortable just kicking it since I don't smoke or do drugs -- I could've gotten some Tecate but everyone was just downing vodka and it was just kind of like, eh I don't really want to drink and party with these kids who are all 2 to 4 years younger than me really, I outgrew this scene like 5 or 6 years ago.

What can I say - I'm just kind of a square at this point.

Plus the whole party being a bust thing just kind of killed it, I would've been cool with trying to kick it with Vanessa or Megan and getting to know that girl M.C., but just I don't know, I don't care much for this SoCal house parties scene. If they'd gone to the Pitcherhouse or Sharkey's or the Lighthouse I would've been down with that, since I could've gotten a beer and a slice of pizza and done a few shots and if I felt like it, gotten fucked up there. Good times. But this was like lame and I didn't care for any of the fratboy stoner Aryan nation poster boys Lee brought with him.

But yeah, even though I guess people wnat me to hang with them now and go to parties now, I still feel kind of ill at ease about it since I haven't been "party" social for like a few years now and its hard for me to get my body image in place like yeah guess what you are kind of attractive now and people do wnat to get to know you because you might look interesting/worth talking to/getting to know/etc.

I suppose that all comes in yime, I gotta take babysteps to reacclimate socially. or whatever. Me and Megan will probably hang out tomorrow, so I'll likely hear what I missed out on tonight tomorrow or whatever.

But I think the real eye opening thing here was even though Megan was kind of like oh get to know this chcik you'll probably like her and I admit she was attractive and my type basically -- I don't know, I didn't really feel comfortable with getting to know someone just to try and get the hook-up on. She's got some idea of how I've been really lonely the past few years and that that really was a big factor in motivating the weight loss, which is true -- My weight loss is connecte directly to my real need to find someone to connect to. We had a conversation today where it was like, "well Vic, yiu know, do you really want to end up with a girl who only wants you because you're good looking or because yuou're gonna make money once you become a lawyer etc." and it's like, no I don't. But I want to be someone & its very hard for me, because if I did meet someone now, I'd be bound tot hinkl, well if I looked like I did 6 months ago they wouldnt be giving me the time of day, which is kind of a bitter pill to swallow.

It's like how I really really miss Melissa, and it's hard for me to now picm a phone to try and call her cuz ive tried so many times and gotten no one on the other end. I miss her so much, but I have to wonder now what's going in her life and maybe if she's found something or had something going on, maybe its better I don't know and she can be happy kind of an ersatz version of blissful ignorance.

But it's hard man, it is. I want to see her and hold her and god, you know, I feel stupid even writing about it, but I felt the need to vent about it. So I have. Maybe now I can deal with it and try and figure out where things are in my head and heart and try to move on. Hangups -- all they do is fuck with your constitution and mental state.

I guess that's all, I guess I've had a good weekend thus far, but I want to move in some direction emoptionally because I'm just rotting just idling here in place wondering where I stand. I need something. I need anything.I don't know.

I need to sleep now I think. Clear my head. Wake up, be another day.

In all honesty, my whole disenchantment with the internet grows by the day, slowly and gradually wearning me down.

It's like this. When I first started the Raven website, I did it to find people like me who dug his character because of the background behind it: good music, comic books, wrestling -- three things I dug. As time went on, the music aspect was lost, comics interested me less and now wrestling is fairly anathema to me. Most if not many people I helped bring together on the boards became friends in real life, some even traveling to other continents to meet each other which I think is fucking awesome.

I think it just kind of blows since that's the kind of thing I was looking for - to make a connection with some people outside my sphere just based on common interests.

Reminds me of grade school and when we did penpals with kids from Pacific Palisades -- sure you make friends with someone over a letter, but when it comes to real life, some people would rather ask questions of the letter than move beyond it.

As it stands now, I'm sure -- I'm sure -- that if it weren't for the responsibilities Raven pays me for in running the site for him and how ina sense I'm a personality of sorts even though I tried not to be in keeping the site as agenda free as possible -- that I would be so far gone from that whole internet scene.

As far as the internet, I really only care about working on the site coding and graphics and merch, doing my auctions and doing my art and sharing that making some money. Anything else I feel seems to be gone I think -- it's just very lonely. I can be open on here even though I know people read this because on some level I can't accept people would care to read my ramblings so I'm open about them.

I can think of a lot of things now I would've done differently in regards to the whole site thing now -- I think I wouldn't have gotten a former associate involved knowing how that situation would turn out and especially since that person ripped me off for money owed to me as well. I'm not petty, karma gets back everyone who fucks someone over in the long haul. More to the point, I'm over that - life is too short to worry about individuals and whose sycophant of the week they are.

I'm also in a very strange place when it comes to my feelings regarding someone else. I feel like this person is deliberately avoiding me, although I think I've made efforts to extend an olive branch -- I just need to know how things stand. But this is where the whole issue of confrontation and rejection all come to the surface. I crave some closure to the situation or to know what happened or where things stand, but I don't want to know if its how I think -- even tough I do -- because it'll be a big I told you so to myself in terms of opening up to someone and how I extend my trust to others too readily. It's like a big flashing red light that says STOP STOP STOP -- you're being too open!!

But I'm prepared for that. It's just how I am now. It's not that I'm cynical or sad - I just feel. That's all I do know is feel and it sucks and it's because I let myself do so, when perhaps being guarded wouldve been better in the long run seeing how things are happening now.

Is that foolish? I never said I wasn't a fool.

Like I said in my other entry, I really crave the company of others, I want to make a connection to someone else thast deeper than just a casual thing but I have to trust and be open to do that and its so hard for someone like me when it seems like everytime I do it I get hurt or allow myself to get too close to soeone when they havent extended anything of the liek to me really.

And I'm sick of that - I am. It's not fair that I'm so fucking needy or what to share beyond my sphere - I wish I was colder though I know that I couldnt be. Closure is just something I want or to know whats happening but whatever.

Don't mind me, its just more meandering rambling escaping from my brain. Tomorrow is another day as it were.

Plus 8MM is written by Andrew Kevin Walker -- the same guy who wrote SE7EN -- if you like that movie, you should really check 8MM out. Great inspired performances from Nicholas Cage, Peter Stormaire and James Gandolfini.

Fun day today, all about the working out. I'm down 93 pounds now. I was styling the preppy mohawk today [i.e. you know when you've got short hair but its long and scruffy enough on top to spike into a mohawk] Yes, it's horribly trendy and that Linkin Park idiot sports it at times, but it looked surprisingly good on me, since I was wearing this tight white undershirt and some loose jeans with my Docs. Not quite a fashion victim yet, but aspiring.

[Plus, yeah, I like the fact that I can wear white undershirts sized Large and have it look good right now, It'll look even better once I get down to my final goal weight. I'm vain and a dip so there :P ]

I was talking to someone today about how MTV [which has a magzine now -- like anyone who watches MTV even reads these days ] and it has a small feature on SuicideGirls -- it was remarked that the site looks so cookie cutter clean it's almost like an e-commerce page & the idea struck me to comment on wouldn't that be cute? "Yeah, I'd like a pixie-ish punk girl, hair color pink and black, white about 5'7, must like 80's Depeche Mode + Cure but show a slight indiffierence to Morrisey but not the Smiths -- back-ordered huh? Well just get her here by Christmas."

Come on, who wouldn't want a SuicideGirl for Christmas -- that'd be "teh deck"

Slightly better feeling today -- I've been venty on my personal log lately, but I'm working through it. I may shoutcast tomorrow, but I don't know yet -- I think it would be too emo-heavy still, although a few people did like me turning them onto Raising The Fawn & Subgod -- Coheed and Cambria is also good, but I'm still partial to Death Cab for Cutie. Kids who like the Ville Valo may also enjoy the musical stylings of The Rasmus, another fine band from Finland, sans the unfortunate Bam Margera stalkerdom.

I won a FREE SONG! off of iTunes from drinking a Diet pepsi. Their selection makes me ill. It;s like this -- Music wasn't invented in 1999 you MOTHERFUCKING MORONS! -- I was actually seeing if they had the Harry Smith anthology from Rhino & no dice -- Damnit, seriously, if I'm gonna buy a song I want to buy something I can't find readily on Kazaa or at Go-boy or offbeat. or Tower. I ended up throwing in the towel & downloading Dynamite by Ima Robot [the clean version?? -what the fuck?]. I'll probably buy this CD before too long. I don't like that it seems that iTunes stuff only plays on iTunes, although iTunes radio is great -- love the selection. iTunes interface is still the retard friendly shit eaten up by morons at my work who can't understand concepts like "right click" or that an X closes out a window.

Anyway, done venting thar'

You know what's funny about 2 journals -- it's the little differences. Someone should buy me a SuicideGirl for Christmas though -- it'd be dope. Program her with the right taste in music & you'd have an only half vapid example of why image is more important than substance in this pathetic culture we live in.

Honestly, though, there's like a ton of veiled movie references in this post that would make it so much more witty if you'd seen them. Maybe when I find someone who can name them all, I'll know who to try and not serenade with "Shock The Monkey" by accident.

Which reminds me, Suncoast had a great poster for that movie -- the tagline was beyond cute "It's a Lloyd meets Girl story" :)

See you all later. Love ya .. Kisses

- Vic

So yeah, I don't know.

I feel like such an asshole lately. I'm just very self-involved & I think I've hurt people I profess to care about because of it. There's nothing I can do to mend fences when I neglect them for so long. All I can do is hope that people are happy despite that & try and move on myself.

91 pounds down. I take pride in my loss. That's mine. I own that. I want to improve myself & that's something I can take care of and groom on my own. It's about being strong mentally despite the support not being there from other people.

I have until Monday to decide if I want to go to Chapman for law school. I can ask for anothr extension, but at this point, I don't know if I will. I feel very alone in making this decision -- I would much rather go to to Davis right now but I haven't heard back from them yet, which sucks.

The work I'm doing for Raven seems to be taking off well. I want to start to build communities and site following like that for my art and such. It'll take time, but we'll see.

I think to a large degree, I really am starting to wonder why I ever let myself get so personally involved in the whole internet thing. I've benefitted from it in many ways, made some friends, but if anything, it often serves as an unflinching mirror of how I let it take too much of a perosnal hold of me. I really yearned to make personal connections with people through being involved with different communities and while I have some impact in certain fandoms and groups, its not what I wanted or envisioned particularly.Honestly, I had hoped to make friends and connections and network with a world wide base of friends and the net just isn't like that. For every good person you meet, its a rarity to meet another & geography really kept the whole personal friendship aspect from taking root. I've seen that happen with other people and it seems like it would be cool if it did go down.

Anyway, I write for myself at this point. People can find this if they really wnat to, but I doubt the effort is worth the reward for most if any. I've settled in my role as the person looking in for the most part.

My hair has grown in the way I'm starting to like it now. Short with a bit of scruff. I don't look like how I remember myself anymore, but that's good, it's a new leash for me and my confidence is more the better for it.

So yeah, I have regrets, so do most people 7 people have problems and yeah I'm just kind oflost in my feelings at the moment but I have this space to vent about it some.

It doesn't take away some of my recent stress & life in general, but it gives me an outlet. I'd rather have someone to talk to about it, but that's just not in the cards.

'Night.

First off, I cut my hair off yesterday. I've got this short scruffy Weezer/Jimmy Fallon thing happening at the moment which is a bit ehh. Once it grows out a bit it should be decent -- right now I've just gotta be a bit patient. The old hair was just totally unmanageable given how lazy I am about hair care, plus I was getting tired of being in my face and mouth when I was working or swimming or taking a shower -- just bleh. Some people thought it was cute, for the most part, if that complement doesn't have a payoff I'm ignoring it. I'm conscious enough about image these days to be wary of any compliments.

So yeah, I have no facial hair and short cropped hair. Darrell saw me and was like "ha, you look half your age, I should card you for something." He's right though, it's scary how young I look right now I could easily pass for a high schooler. It's a combination of the dimples and clean faced look.

So yeah, I have this week off, I need to do my taxes and even though I'm getting a fat refund, I'm lazy and haven't filed yet. Why? Cuz I'm lazy.

Raven was on Meltzer last night and talked about me and the site for a good couple of minutes - which was pretty cool and nice of him. He and I are pretty decent friends now and its always cool when he compliments me on my work ethic and such. We talked this morning and he was all giddy like "Hey, did ya listen to Meltzer last night ... I put you over!" It's funny that I think either he's rubbing off on me or we think very much the same in terms of wrestling since we had a chat going and a lot of things I said in there were things he later said on meltzer using the exact same language I used. Even the kids in the chat noticed which was very interesting to say the least.

I need to catch up on movies this week. Got the week off, I should hang out with the Megan some, I haven't called her in like 3 weeks which unfortunately is VERY like me. I am terrible at keeping in touch with people. Again, combination of lazy and slacker.

There's someone else I haven't talked to in almost 3 months now I feel guilty about. But I don't know if this is the right forum to discuss it. Needless to say, I feel very out of the loop there and it's almost selfish regarding the circumstances. I think maybe my time has passed there. I'm just assuming things basically, which me and assumptions = bad combination. But honestly, I think maybe my instincts here are right. I sort of extended an olive branch, we'll see what happens but again I really wonder now if maybe it's best that I step away.

And most people know I have my own self depricating theories on relationship dynamics. I'm a good friend to have, because I'm very accomodating towards those I have a friendship towards, but I tend to shy away to a huge degree from receiving the same kind of attention towards me for whatever reason.

So yeah, I don't know. I have to see where things stand on my whole feelings towards relationships at this point. It's like this: I think right now, I'm very interested in the whole concept. I really crave the companionship of someone like minded and with interests close or shared to mine. Now there's the whole question of how feasible is that even really. And you know its hard for me because my trust is hard to obtain. And honestly, I do want to be happy in that kind of situation. I don't think it's fair that I've gotten dicked around in the past because I've been too giving and then when I've turned that around, I'VE been the one stuck with someone who is too needy. There has to be a happy medium. And at some point, I think there will be.

And, at times, it seemed like maybe there was/is that possibility. I mean, I'll go into some specifics here and whether that's fair or not, I'll discover when or if I decide to edit this entry. But here goes me on my honesty kick. I really really came to care for Melissa. I love the girl. In any conceivable reality not dictated by an over 2,000 mile radius and half a country in the way, we would've hooked up by now in some way shape or manner I'm sure. And maybe we will. That being said, keeping any kind of relationship at that distance is either very difficult or next to impossible when either or both of us have communication issues. You know, it's just hard and when we go any length of time without talking, it feels like this huge gulf like - boom - seperating us and its awkward and it takes a while to get back in the rhythms of things. To our credit, that does go away very quickly. We don't ever fight & when we have its over silly misunderstands based on how restrictive the means for us to speak have been.

So at this point we haven't talked in a few months. I call and she's not there and I never see her online. All I can do is leave a message for her here or there and you know hope it gets to her. Whether they have or not, I don't know. As it turns out, this time while we didn't talk something huge happened in her life that I had absolutely no clue about whatsoever. I don't think it's fair of me to feel slighted by that, people have their personal feelings for not telling people about things like that. In this case, I really don't blame -- it's not a blame issue, I'll rephrase that. What it is, is it demonstrated how really intangible and out of my grasp the whole relationship situation is from me. Like distance never really seemed like distance til then. A divide or a gulf and I can see the perspective shrink away to the size of ants. I can't be a comfort or even share my empathy with her. It's a very impotent position. Could it be a hang-up I have? Maybe. I'm not a needy person really, but grasping onto an ether that is intangible and grounded on the intangible is not a habit that really is healthy. Many times I've basically tried to extend myself as much as I can, but it's like I'm forever reaching. I do know I want her to be happy. That hasn't changed. Not in the least. Maybe, I'm beating myself up over nothing and my perception is skewed by an assumption I jumped to prematurely. But you know, my gut tells me that I should be open with my feelings and be ready to let go if I'm not the one who can be there for her now. So I've stepped back - I don't know I can really contribute to her life or situation in a meaningful way right now -- if I'm wrong, then I made a mistake - but its me thinking that I should give her space. If she needs me or wants me to be there for her, then I will be there as much as I can be when that time arises. If not, then I can understand that and I don't have any ill will or malice in my heart about it at all. I just-- I don't want to feel like I'm being selfish or holding someone back. If anything, I think I have too much empathy -- the problem with that is whenever I'm going through something, I instinctively have to deal with it on my own and I just shut myself off from other people. I tend to give others that same space I want afforded to me because I'm very private when I'm not venting.

Honestly, this is just me venting. Writing helps that process.

Now, I just had to share that because it was becoming enough of a weight on my conscience that it had to be somewhere else besides tossing about in my head.

Anyway ...

Me and Jeanette were on the phone for like 4 hours on Saturday watching Mad TV, SNL and the news. Kind of fun, I missed sharing my acerbic wit and commentary with someone who appreciates it. She's a cool friend to have.

So yeah I'm at 93 lbs. lost now on my whole weight loss thing. Yeah, I figure a week from now and I'll be at 100. Getting closer to my goals all the time. My quads are really popping now.

I should have some cool stuff to post artwise later this week. We'll see what happens.

Anyway, I think that whole catharsis just drained me of anymore literary content for the evening. More will come soon I think. In the menatime, I think I'll just read a bit more how complete detachment from the self and extinguishing conscious desire can allow me to reach Nirvana.

Ah, that'd be swell.

So, I shaved ... totally. This is the first time I've been totally .. totally clean shaven -- and I mean not even a little goatee in at least a year. It's crazy because I really don;t recognize myself too much. Yesterday, I found a photo of myself for ID purposes taken in September 2003 and the difference is really like, wow. I'm giddy with the idea that if its this much now, it'll be even moreso when I get to my goal weight. To put it in perspective, I've lost 10 pounds since that photo I posted of myself with Laura Harring. So, its really cool seeing physical change happen.

And it is hard to stay motivated after 5 months, especially since my circle of support has closed a bit since I started, but I'm hanging in there and it's cool to me that the Bally's staff and organization has been so helpful to me. I owe them so much really and they've really helped me get a new lease and perspective on my life and I really will carry that with me forever I think.

I think that's why when I see crap like "The Swan" and "Extreme Makeover" it bothers me, because there's a definite DEFINITE difference between having someone do all the work of getting the fat outta you and then just taking it for granted. I've had to fight for every pounds I've lost very hard. I put in over an hour of workout time, high intensity cardio, every single day, 3 to 4 days a week my workouts run over 2 hours and this is all while staying on track for my diet. I do this for me because it's built my esteem up and I take pride in being able to help shape my body to my eventual goal. When I started I had 125 lbs. to lose. Now it's only 35 left to go.

Next week I have off for spring break. I expect to be in the gym a lot. If I get to my 100 pounds loss goal then I'll be really happy since I'll be able to put so much more gym time without work in the morning.

I almost have a finished Rogue piece to put up for sale on the weekend. Alongside with a nude Dawn that should fetch me some decent money I hope.

I'm probably NEVER going to find a Hellboy figure. It's royally pissed me off. I won;t get into it except to say my anger really resonates right now about it. Gah.

Ah well. Venting is nice.

But for good happy news ...

I've now lost 90 pounds on the nose since I started my diet and exercise regimen on October 26, 2003. I'm really proud of myself and I'm only 10 pounds away from hitting my Phase 4 weight loss goal. hopefully I'll hit that point next week, since i have spring break off from work, so I can put in some real quality gym time. Once I hit that, I'll have one more phase to my weight loss goals and that's get to the ideal weight for my height which I'm about 35 away from at this point. I mean I look pretty good now, but it's a personal thing for me now. I ran into Clay too and he was all gushy about how much different I looked since the last time he saw me in November/December. So yeah, it's always cool to feel like you're getting somewhere with your goals. I was helping out Lawrence with one of his clients today by telling him what to do diet and exercise wise. Like it or not, now I'm one of those "Results Not Typical" people who sticks to something and makes a go of it, so yay me on that regard.

Plus, I hate liars. I'm like Big Daddy, fuck mendacity, beyotch.

Death Cab For Cutie is so good ... it's scary. Sure, it's still the whole "girls destroys boy" emo vibe but it's smart lyrics so for once I can empathize. See, work with me emo kids, make your jilted protagonists likeable and I'll buy it not -- girl evil.. EVIL!!! Even though girls ARE evil. We all know this, but don't let THEM know. Then it's ALLLL over.

I want a Mia Kirshner poster with her wearing a GIRLS LIE t-shirt .... somehow that would be the most kickass thing ever.

Oh yeah and Wonderfalls rocked as usual. Each episode is better than the last, truly the best show on television. WHY ISN'T THIS ON HBO OR SHOWTIME!!!

No dirt on me today, although there was an interesting phone message yesterday involving Raven, the Playboy Mansion and Jonny Fairplay ... to say any more would be too much ...

In other news .... Yahoo has an article up with news on a study showing no correlation between music downloads and CD sales drop.

Can you say, obvious to everyone 6 years ago? This is enough to challenge those ridiculous RIAA suits, of which over 500 more were filed on Tuesday according to Reuters and the AP. In all honesty, do you think people hungry to steal the latest song by Britney Spears that's played 5 billion times on the radio are REALLY the ones looking for music online. It's the people who are DISAFFECTED by the homogeniety of Top 40 radio looking for alternatives that have made services like iTunes and the iPod the latest hi-tech doohickeys worth having.

Consumption of music increases dramatically with the introduction of file sharing, but not everybody who likes to listen to music was a music customer before, so it's very important to separate the two," said Felix Oberholzer-Gee, an associate professor at Harvard Business School and one of the authors of the study.

Oberholzer-Gee and his colleague, University of North Carolina's Koleman Strumpf, also said that their "most pessimistic" statistical model showed that illegal file sharing would have accounted for only 2 million fewer compact discs sales in 2002, whereas CD sales declined by 139 million units between 2000 and 2002.

Most pessimistic there kids. Let's realize that's 2 million for the entire year of all music. How many times platinum did Linkin Park go between late 2002 and now? 2 million being generous is fucking nothing compared to the numbers RIAA was tossing around.

Plus this is what kills me ....

Songs that were heavily downloaded showed no measurable drop in sales, the researchers found after tracking sales of 680 albums over the course of 17 weeks in the second half of 2002. Matching that data with activity on the OpenNap file-sharing network, they concluded that file sharing actually increases CD sales for hot albums that sell more than 600,000 copies. For every 150 downloads of a song from those albums, sales increase by a copy, the researchers found.

I've bought albums by artists I would NEVER have heard of otherwise back when I using Napster back in the day. Since then, not so much. Although I'm always grabbing mp3s from enlightened labels like Sub Pop and Epitaph that realize, hey give em a taste and they'll want more. Hell, even Warner/Reprise caught onto that fact and stream whole albums in flash.

Meanwhile, RIAA and their gaggle of disaffected mouseketeers still say MP3S = BAAAD!

Whatever. In the meantime, I'll be listening to Death Cab for Cutie -- ha ha ho!

Yes, I did lull myself to sleep listening to Evanescence last night. Now let us never speak of it again.

I think I'm up to making some random and un-nefarious comments about things that currently are affecting me on a non essential level:

--

I really really love Death Cab For Cutie -- they have the just about right sound for me at the moment. They have that whole Modest Mouse vibe to 'em too which is an extra point in my book. If you like them, check out The Postal Service. I'm also rather fond of The Polyphonic Spree, even if their singer used to be in Tripping Daisy.

Yeah, I'm posting music in my journal now, I've been doing it for a few entries now. Stay with the rest of the class.

And I want to thank those people who've IMed me about my recent entries or asked why I've been very down lately or that I've unburdened on to some degree. You guys rock and would get cookies if they could be passed through computer monitors or whatever.

The LiveJournal community I made for the Raven website is really going well with over 67 members. We got like around 70 photos or something akin to that from people in Germany who saw Rave wrestle overseas. Pretty interesting. I swear there's a girl in one of those photos who looks so much like the Baroness from G.I. Joe it's scary. If I ever had a thing for a cartoon character it would have to be the Baroness, she's the proto self assertive geek girl -- she wears black leather cat suits and sports brunette hair with wire frame glasses. If she's not the alpha emo girl I don't know who it would be.

It's funny to me how Alysson Hannigan is actually cool and funny in anything besides Buffy. That affected baby talk crap she does as Willow will never grow on me. Seriously, I hate Willow and I haven't stated so in this journal yet, so I had to drop that so we're all on the same page.

Ok, well I'm yawning now, if anyone wants to drop me some noise on some music they're digging I may like, feel free to comment here or bother me elsewhere. Whatever works for you. Peace.

Vic
- People with good taste in music are inevitably terminally single, just watch High-Fidelity :P

I got invited to a social mixer for new admittees on Thursday. I blew it off but when I told my friend Jeanette about it, she actually encouraged me to go and said she'd be my date if I wanted to go. I still didn;t but it was really cool of her to ask. I really do consider her a great friend and that was just very cool of her to say she would come with me.

I'm still on my sociable kick, Went to The Elephant Bar tonight for Happy Hour with a bunch of people from work. It was actually really nice and I enjoyed it, I like thefeeling of camaraderie every now and again and it felt pretty palpable tonight.

It's funny because I really enjoyed today, but I'm still as a whole pretty down or maybe it's ... ambivalent about some things in my life at the moment. I really question why I'm so apt to open myself up to people when I don't really have the capacity to handle it during lean times. I'm a glutton for punishment I guess because for someone who is pretty private I'ma pretty fucking open book. What you see is what you get with me, if I seem like a square its cause I pretty much am a clean cut person who's maybe a bit too brainy or sensitive for their own good. I happen to be friends with a famous celebrity which is why a lot of people even know me and a lot of people just realize I'm a jack of all trades hence why they hang with me. I'm very self critical, to an insane degree. I used to think I was good judge of people's characters, now I don't so much. In a lot of ways, I wish I had been a lot more reluctant to be as open as I have been about myself to other people -- I just feel like I open myself up to stupid selfish feelings and I don't feel good about that because I shortchange other people because of my shortcomings. Honestly, I think everyone should be happy as they can be in life, we only get one turnaround and I don't begrudge people that feeling. I swear to God I fucking don't. I just think in general I've gotten way more of the bad hand than most and only fleeting glimpses of the good side of it. Ennui is my nature I suppose.

I think I just kind of yearn for a connection greater than just ... this. Something palpable that really feels like wow. I don't know -- I'm just out of sorts because it's been a long time since I've been with anyone and I've lost more people as friends this year than I've gained. I had that connection I thought, or maybe I did or do, maybe I want it to be. I did have it once for sure and it ended ina fucked way and killed me dead emotionally for the better part of so many fucking years. I don't know anymore. I just feel fucking selfish and empty a lot of the time, self-doubt is never a good feeling. And it's taxing to put up a whole facade of hey everything is cool. A sense of belonging and trust would be cool to have for a change. I think in a sense this is why I'm kind of sick of writing for LiveJournal, its like I have to put on a show for people to get brownie points for being the most interesting or esoteric. I'm just not that interesting to other people outside me. I don't have the massive friends lists because I'm not out to be part of a big community of people that are all like me. Ironically, the biggest community and fandom I basically founded I totally feel alienated from. It's kind of pathetic actually.

I just would like it if my sociability kick would lead for something more to come from that at this point. I'm not eyeing anyone in particular, I just need something to click inside me and get me out of this funk I've been in. Wrap myself in a warm blanket .. metaphorical as it were.

I don't need someone to fix me, I think I just need to fill the cracks with something thatreally will hold me up. I am a broken toy, but hell sometimes the broken toy is the one that gets the most play. Words to live by or words of small comfort. We'll see. I'm curious how I'll look back on this entry a year from now. I really am.

Wonderfalls was good again tonight. Watch that show before its gone.

They were having a stupid themed day at the gym, all the trainers were dressed in tropical look [leis, hawaiian shirts, grass skirts,etc] But it was pretty empty and I got a full workout in [worked my biceps and triceps doing 4 x 4 - 4 sets of exercise per targeted body part with 4 sets of reps per exercise] I did 30 minutes on the elliptical to start off and 20 minute son th bike to finish, so I'm like tired but not, it's kind of one of those brisk walk type deals where you feel good afterword.

I was annoyed that some of the other PT's kept using me to shill the success of Bally's personal training. Like I don't care if Lawrence does it, cuz he is my trainer, but like some of the PT's who have been there a few weeks are pointing me out to prospective people, as well as some of the PT's who totally suck and make people waste their time doing sit-ups on the bosu [sp?] ball for an hour. Whatveer works I guess. I still remember every PT and their mom shilling the fact that Rob Van Dam works out there, of course when I point out that Tajiri is there like 10x more often than Rob, they're like "really? hmm ... never noticed."

Onto other stuff ...

Today I got my ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA GIFT PACKAGE from KLSX 97.1. Those who follow my blogging adventures on Livejournal may be aware I won this doo-hickey by correctly telling Frosty, Heidi & Frank that Pete Rose got into the WWE Hall of Fame by being attacked for 3 years straight by zombie wrassler' Kane. As a funny aside here, I ran into James at the Comic Cult on Wednesday and he was pissed as hell when he heard I won one for guessing WWE trivia since he's much more of a fan of the WWE product than I could pretend to be. I'll have to go into detail on that at a future time. Anyway, here's what was in this 'oh, so vaunted' package:

- A WRESTLEMANIA XX T-shirt - Size XL
- A WRESTLEMANIA XX 3-D Picture Book
- A copy of "WWE Originals" on CD w/a bonus DVD
- A copy of "The Stone Cold Truth" on DVD
- A clear WWE logo plastic tote bag

Overall, I'd say fairly craptastic. WWE Originals will swiftly find it's way to eBay - I may watch The SCSA DVD, but somehow I think I'll sell that too. The 3D Picture book is total garbage. The shirt is nice, I'll keep that, because, the logo is decent, it's goodquality and it fits nicely. Nice post gym wear I'd say.

Overall, the NWA-TNA Raven logo t-shirt Raven sent me is much much nicer though.

But yeah, I would've preferred like WWE Anthology or Mick Foley's Greatest Hits and Misses or something, the gift package was just lame IMO.

Oh and my McFarlane exclusive Biker Chicks have shipped. Hopefully, I'll get those tomorrow or Saturday

I don't know though. I think a lot of this stems from the added confidence I'm picking up after dropping so much weight. It makes me happy to be social and hang out with people. I did it all weekend at WizardWorld and today I hung out with Megan and Vanessa and it was cool - watching E! and making fun of the NKOTB True Hollywood Story. But yeah, you know, I feel good right now, rare feeling. I do also feel the whole thing of wow, being single really sucks, pangs. I think I picked up on this at WW LA when I saw all the guys with their girls going through different comics and it reminded me how much effort I had spent in the past getting Joy into comics and how it was fun, but its always cool when you have a partner who is into the same stuff you are. While being there with my friends was fun [Lawrence, never had a clue you were so into MOTU] I think it would've been cool to go with someone like a significant other there. Hell, I saw Pam and Judd from the Real World San Francisco there walking around the floor looking at stuff holding hands and it was almost cute.

That being said, Judd and Pam still suck. RW3 was all about the Puck. Word.

Let me touch some more on WW LA while I'm mentioning this:

I met Ken Foree from Dawn of The Dead (1978) at WizardWorld. Easily one of the most amiable cult film stars I've met totally engaging and very appreciative that I saluted him for his cameo in DOTD '04. Mr. Hahn from Linkin Park -- bleh -- 'nuff said. David Carradine -- still bleh.

I bought a lot of Buffy swag, overall I'm happy with that.

So yeah, I think I'm caught up now. But yeah, one of the few times I'm not such a cynic about everything.

To be sure, I'm still very hateful and upset about some things I'd rather not write about in a public forum, but til' next time ...

You pal in solitary misanthropy,
- Vic